weeks ago -- before thanksgiving -- i bought a tiny christmas tree for my room. it stayed in the bag in my trunk until tonight. i was in heb getting a plant as a housewarming gift for a dude i'd been talking to for a couple of weeks -- i'd chosen not to get a poinsettia because those are so temporary, so i bought him ivy instead. ivy that clings and smothers -- how fitting. two days after i gave him the plant, he said he'd enjoyed getting to know me and talking with me but he felt there wasn't a connection. i remember giving him that plant. i remember that i sat on the stoop of the east shore condominium he'd purchased waiting for him, i'd thought, to get back from a home depot run. i'd sat there for an hour with my clingy, smothering plant, waiting for him to text me back. there was some sort of a glitch. so i left the plant on his doorstep and went home, and when i was in our driveway, i finally got a response from him -- wondering if i still wanted to come over and help him unpack. so we went to flower child for dinner, and it was bland. and then we went back to his place where i helped him unpack his dishes and cram a dishwasher. and i was thinking, this feels odd, and i need an excuse to leave, and not long after that my brother called me because he needed me to go get his loosed dog, and so i left. and two days later, i got that text -- not connecting. so be it. i gave you a plant. i watched you pick it up off the stoop after i'd said, that's from me. i watched you marvel at it. and then the next day, i had that other jerk for whom i'd driven to elgin tell me that i'd not dressed sexily enough. yall, i'm tired. i've had two adult beverages -- all the liquor that goes in a mudslide sans ice cream... chased one after another. i'm inebriated. in front of my family -- that hardly ever happens. i was wrapping gifts tonight, and for the first time in my life, i didn't give a shit about how well they were wrapped. i didn't give a shit about christmas, and i'm too inebriated off six ounces of liquor to give a damn. i hate this. this isn't me.

it should be enough...

me: are you okay if i'm in jeans and a t-shirt?

bumbler: yes, i prefer it.

days later...

me: what sort of woman do you seek, and where do i fall short in comparison?

bumbler: you wore a t-shirt and brought a backpack with you on our date. that's fine, but it doesn't really suggest femininity or maturity. if we were in college that might be ok, but i graduated college twenty-five years ago. next time, wear something that shows off that great body of yours and have a purse. you are really smart and interesting. i think you just need to work on your packaging/presentation a bit.

me: i asked you if jeans and a t-shirt would be okay, and you said you prefer it. i came straight from work (bumbler lives in elgin--two+ hour drive for me), so i had some time to kill. i brought some work with me while i waited for you.

bumbler: [dead silence]

yall? i'm done. D O N E. and it breaks my heart a little to say that because the lifeline for me in my youth when i was struggling to live was that one day, some day some dude was going to really see me and not the crappy packaging. and i know now that's not going to happen. that i'm really smart and interesting should be enough. it SHOULD, but it isn't.

pray for me, will you? because my heart... my heart...

the lord of the rings

why i wanted to read it: because i LOVE the movies and the story, and it's been on my to do list for decades.

what i liked: i listened to it on audio, yall, so i can't share specific lines. good god, tolkien's world-building ability is amazing. his descriptions are beautiful. his mastery of language is astounding. his creativity is enviable.

meriadoc brandybuck and peregrin took are my favorite characters. SUCH fearlessness and curiosity. i love, LOVE samwise gamgee and wish like hell i could have a friend as dedicated as he. SUCH loyalty. i listened to the second book, then the third and finished with the first, and am so glad i did because the memory of sam's steadfast love and resoluteness are such beautiful things.

what sucked: the songs.

having said that. READ IT, people. it's damned fine storytelling.

the fall film challenge: update

i did not watch a single film from my list this year, and it wasn't because i was less interested in those films i'd selected than those of previous challenges. i just wasn't in the mood. i've seen two flicks in theaters this year, yall: men in black: international, which pretty much sucked, and ford vs. ferrari, which i saw twice and will most likely see it again because it's amazing.

two contestants, christine and joanna, completed their original lists, and erin managed to see not one but TWO lord of the rings films. i call that a victory.