why i wanted to read it: my first gig was at a grocery store as a cashier. i was twenty or so. i wore a gray and navy apron over a short-sleeved, white button down and navy slacks. and a maroon tie. one of those scarfy things that tries to look like a bow tie but fails because it's got too much material. it didn't even tie. it was on a strap that fastened at the back of your neck, beneath your collar.

my coworkers and i commented quite frequently on the fineness of our clientele: the three-hundred-pound women donned in halter tops and skimpy knit shorts debating whether to purchase the lays or the ruffles potato chips, torn between coke and pepsi products, uncertain of how many of each to buy; the young mothers with their two carts crammed full of food for feeding their eight children, all of whom seemed to be under the age of five, hardened women who paid for their purchases with stacks of w.i.c. cards, and yet they had cash for cigarettes; the good ole boys coming in on sunday mornings who magically appeared at the cash registers two minutes before noon with their twelve packs of coors or bud light, eager to load up their coolers and get on the lake; tired, handsome men in white shirts and black slacks who just wanted to get home from their work day but whose wives added one more thing to their honey-do lists.

they're all the same in the line. they watch the screen to make sure they're charged ninety-seven cents for that can of green beans instead of ninety-eight.

we'd go out to our cars on our lunch breaks and smoke our cigarettes and drink our colas and complain about you. sometimes we did this at the taco cabana across the lot. for an hour. every day.

one the off-chance we got tired of talking about you, we talked about each other.

the first sentence of this story, which is about fifteen year-old amelia and twenty-one year-old chris, goes like this: "i'm writing a play," says chris, leaning over the counter of my cash register. "it's called death of a customer. needless to say, it's set here" (p. 2)

what i liked: it looked as though he was going to walk out without saying goodbye or merry christmas or anything.

at the last moment he paused at my checkout, threw the flowers down on the counter and muttered, "those are you for you, youngster. merry christmas."

...they had a coles staff purchases seal on them and a sticker that said reduced for quick sale.

after work i walked home hugging my flowers with a queer fluttery excitement in my chest (pp. 12-13).

"fishing off the company pier," as i have overheard chris refer to it, is a common practice among the part-time staff at coles. bianca, for example, is twenty-three and has been going out with andy from canned goods, age eighteen, for some months... i imagine he just does what he is told. they must both get something of the relationship--i just have no idea what it is.

"sex," says chris when i ask him. "they both get sex" (p. 16).

he refers to his long-standing crush as the kathy virus, as it seems to take a relapsing-remitting course... kathy is dark, pretty, small--elfin even--and completely uninterested in chris. except, strangely, when the kathy virus is in remission. then she bombards him with a campaign of arm-touching... bow-tie adjusting... and leaning over his register giving him her undivided, head-cocked-to-one-side attention. an immediate relapse of the kathy virus invariably follows.

that kathy needs a can of reduced-for-quick-sale spam pegged at the back of her head (p. 17).

i imagine him at university... talking to girls. grown up girls at university. girls who can go drinking with him after class. girls his own age who he could confidently introduce to his family and friends. girls who know how to dress and wear make-up. girls who have had sex. girls who study the same texts as him. girls who stand a chance in hell (p. 20).

"do you think, youngster, do you think that's anyway to behave when you are a guest at someone else's house? ...didn't your parents teach you any manners? ...i should call them and tell them how out of control their daughter is. drunk and disorderly at fifteen! ...look out, world, here she is, ready to polish all your dining room tables with her back... he wears baseball caps backward! and you let him put his tongue in you!" (p. 70)

and to add insult to serious narcisstic injury, young amelia went and hooked up with that mid-teen power tool jeremy horan. i had her billed as the antidote to daisy from the great gatsby. i thought she represented the ultimate triumph of good over evil... all he had to do was pour her a few generous glasses of wine and put in an hour of conversation... if someone like amelia goes for someone like jeremy horan, we may as well all pack up and go home... amelia is going to rue the day she let that boy's tongue anywhere near her (pp. 117-118).

what sucked: ultimately, it lacked. i liked amelia well enough. i liked chris... in the beginning. toward the end, i was kind of tired of'm both.

but then, i should probably be reading big girl books as opposed to those written for adolescents. i wanted something fast, which it was. i wanted something cool, which it wasn't. not completely.

having said all that: the parts that were entertaining did so well enough. it wasn't awful. but i wanted it to be so much better than it was.

eleanor and park

why i wanted to read it:  funny, hopeful, foulmouthed, sexy, and tear-jerking (kirkus reviews). sounds like my kind of book. seriously. who wouldn't want to read that?

if that wasn't enough to pique my interest, there's the first page...

what i liked: he'd stopped trying to bring her back.

she only came back when she felt like it, in dreams and lies and broken-down deja-vu.

like, he'd be driving to work, and he'd see a girl with red hair standing on the corner--and he'd swear, for half a choking moment, that it was her.

then he'd see that the girl's hair was more blond than red.

and that she was holding a cigarette... and wearing a sex pistols t-shirt.

eleanor hated the sex pistols.

eleanor...

standing beside him until he turned his head. lying next to him just before he woke up. making everyone else seem drabber and flatter and never good enough.

eleanor ruined everything (p. 1).

when eleanor was a little girl, she'd thought her mom looked like a queen... all her bones seemed more purposeful than other people's. like they weren't just there to hold her up; they were there to make a point...

eleanor looked a lot like her.

but not enough.

eleanor looked like her mother through a fish tank. rounder and softer. slurred. where her mother was statuesque, eleanor was heavy. where her mother was finely drawn, eleanor was smudged (p. 18)

that must be eleanor's mom, park thought, she looked just like her. but sharper and with more shadows. like eleanor, but taller. like eleanor, but tired. like eleanor, after the fall (p. 188).

holding eleanor's hand was like holding a butterfly (p. 71).

"well, she is kind of weird, isn't she?"

park didn't have the energy to be angry. he sighed and let his head fall back on the chair.

his dad kept talking. "isn't that why you like her?" (p. 144)

"why do you even like me?"

"i don't like you," he said. "i need you... i think it's got as much to do with your hair being red and your hands being soft... and the fact that you smell like homemade birthday cake" (pp. 109-110).

"i don't like you. park," she said, sounding for a second like she actually meant it. "i... think i live for you."

he closed his eyes and pressed his head back into the pillow.

"i don't think i even breathe when we're not together," she whispered. "which means, when i see you on monday morning, it's been like sixty hours since i've taken a breath. that's probably why i'm so crabby, and why i snap at you. all i do when we're apart is think about you, and all i do when we're together is panic. because every second feels so important. and because i'm so out of control, i can't help myself. i'm not even mine anymore. i'm yours, and what if you decide that you don't want me? how could you want me like i want you?"

he was quiet. he wanted everything she'd just said to be the last thing he heard. he wanted to fall asleep with i want you in his ears (p. 111).

"nothing, really. i just want to be alone with you for a minute."

he pulled her to the back of the driveway, where they were almost completely hidden by a line of trees and the rv and the garage.

"seriously?" she said. "that was so lame."

"i know," he said, turning to her. "next time, i'll just say, 'eleanor, follow me down this dark alley, i want to kiss you" (p. 166).

what sucked: that it ended. i wasn't ready to leave them yet.

having said all that: best book i've read this year. hands down. solid storytelling through and through.

random quarter: the (sort of) thirty days in may edition... also known as how much can a girl possibly cram into a post?

one. the story of my life in twenty five words or less: small-town girl struggles with social awkwardness and medical issues. graduates from high school, then college despite some educators' beliefs that she couldn’t, and then she flounders.

two. i know a lot about depression.

three. attractive men, affable people, job interviews... these three things make me most uncomfortable.

four. the million-guys-are-after-you-and-they're-blinded-by-your-beauty kind of shit. real big stuff. you know, that just—even—we got the dick that kidnaps you and sticks you in a cave, and you're guarded by a five-headed dragon. you know? and the tales of your plight are spread throughout the land, and all the guys go and put on their shoes so they can see what's up, but none of them have the balls to save her (henry roth—dedication).

five. tina at life is good, thanks for being so supportive of me, more so than any other reader.

six. i sell children's furniture and write about these people.

seven. i'm most afraid of failure, success, intimacy and (sometimes) solitude.

eight. the best advice i have for others is here.

nine. one of the first transactions i concluded yesterday at work was the close of a sale begun by an associate. i rang the lady up. the lady is an employee of chicago bridge and iron in the woodlands. i felt compelled to inquire if they were hiring. they are. i asked about communications. and the lady oversees that area. she's the vice president of corporate planning. and the courage i'd found to ask about job opportunities evaporated. she fished in her wallet for her business card. i took it, put it in my back pocket. and ever since, i've been racking my brain for the right words to send her.

ten. most embarrassing moment... junior year. high school. the woodlands athletic center's natatorium. some saturday afternoon. after having practically drowned swimming a five hundred meter freestyle. that's twenty laps without stopping. it is THE WORST event in a meet. it SUCKS. especially if you're a sprinter. especially if you're a breaststroke swimmer. me? sprinter. breaststroker. the moment i got out of that pool, i stormed across the deck to where my coach sat. i screamed at him to  never, never make me swim that event again. my voice? i have the propensity to get really loud. and when you're in a natatorium, the sound just ricochets endlessly. i silenced the place. you ever tried to silence a room like that? it's pretty hard to do. but i did it, seemingly effortlessly. i remember having to swim that event. i remember being pissed off. and every stroke made me madder. i don't remember yelling at him. my mother was kind enough to remind me.

eleven. sell myself in ten words or less: effervescent, bright, inspiring, interesting, complicated, generous, genuine, talented, compassionate, tenacious.

twelve. there've been two days i've felt contentment in my life. i miss that feeling.

thirteen. this is my idea of a public apology. also, jenni? i'm sorry. i was late to the party, okay?

fourteen. this is my list of the ten things that make me happy.

fifteen. i can't support myself. never have been able to do this. the only thing that could get me to self-sufficiency is my ability to craft a well-phrased sentence. i'm really good at that.

sixteen. five of my favorite blogs and what i love about them: the bloggess because she cracks me up, the life of bon because her page is so diverse and she's so good about spotlighting other blogs, depressions and confessions because she's so smart and open, arkansassy because she's so sassy and c jane kendrick because she's awesome.

seventeen. i'm struggling with the thirty extra pounds that are situated on and around my ass and my apparent disinterest in losing them. i went to the gym yesterday. maybe i'll go again on tuesday.

eighteen. this is a list of links to my favorite posts.

nineteen. this is me ranting about something. this, too.

twenty. school didn't teach me to care about myself.

twenty-one. the worst thing i've ever heard: you'll never get married because you're too ugly and no one wants to wake up next to something that ugly every morning. i was about seventeen. it was said by a boy whom i'd known for seven years. we'd gone to all the same schools. we were on swim team and in art classes together. we lived down the street from each other. at seventeen, i knew he was wrong. at forty, i know he's right.

twenty-two. something i read online: the city of san antonio's flooded.

twenty-three. five songs or pieces of music that speak to you or bring back memories: the blower's daughter and cannonball by damien rice, one line by p.j. harvey, the god of wine by third eye blind, this woman's work by kate bush.

twenty-four. my favorite manager was at borders. first at meyerland plaza in houston. i'd been on the shelving crew. i'd been making myself sick with the work. it was supposed to go from october to january. it stretched into march and the hours, once eleven p.m. to ten a.m. (which i liked), had changed to five a.m. to two p.m. (which i didn't like). i rarely slept. i spent two hours in my car commuting to and from work. and my immediate supervisor was an ass. one morning, the inventory supervisor's lead overheard him say something he shouldn't have. she reported it to her boss, who was acting as the interim general manager at the time, who left a note in my box for me to see her when she came in that morning. and the first words out of her mouth were i'm pulling you off shelving crew.

flash forward a year or so later. now, she's the general manager of the borders in stafford, texas. i am a bookseller whose primary responsibility is to shelve books. i'm very good at what i do. i'd come in from a smoke break. i was shelving in science fiction. she came over to me. come smoke with me. i told her i'd just come back from a break. she told me to come anyway. so we go outside, where she proceeds to tell me that she's got three lead clerk spots open: shelving, front of store and children's. we talked about them for a minute. and then she asked me which one i wanted.

twenty-five. a favorite photo of yourself and why:

me and one of my booksellers at borders in selma, texas. on the day of the store's first storytime. i was happy in that moment. and scrawny, still.

the testament

why i wanted to read it: one of my former coworkers at the bookstore recommended it.

what i liked: "let's not kid ourselves. mr. phelan knows exactly what he's doing. his mind is much quicker than ours."

oh, thank you. that means so much to me. you're a bunch of shrinks struggling to make a hundred thousand a year. i've made billions, yet you pat me on the head and tell me how smart i am (p. 18).

what sucked: the length. the absence of a strong plot. i've only ever read one other grisham novel, the rainmaker, back when i was in college. back when i was supposed to be reading things like billy budd and the grapes of wrath. i stayed up late one night, reading, stopping only because i couldn't keep my eyes open any longer. i took it to campus with me the next day, and in between classes, i sat in my car and read. finished it way inside of twenty-four hours. this one, though? i had no trouble putting it down. i did it a lot. and out of five hundred thirty-three pages, i enjoyed reading about a fifth of'm.

having said all that: the premise of the story is quite good. it's estate law, which wouldn't have the intrigue that his other stories possess, but the blurb on the back and the first few pages sounded interesting enough. it's got the usual grisham fare, but it lacks his flare. the last bit of the blurb? where a woman--pursued by enemies and friends alike--holds a stunning surprise of her own (back flap). there's only one person pursuing her and her surprise? not stunning. not even a surprise. actually, it's more of a letdown, to tell you the truth. the whole book is pretty much an utter disappointment. i'm surprised i actually finished the thing.

random quarter: the chill factor edition

last night one of my friends and i went to house of blues to have dinner then to see the airborne toxic event. this, by the way, is the only band i have seen four times, and every time i've done so has been worth the trek and the ticket. i love them. i wished they would've played duet (you're beautiful with that gray scarf on... and i miss you, but it might just be the song), but... so many tunes, so little time. they played sometime around midnight, and i got chills listening to that, even though i've heard it so often. i should be immune to the power of it by now. and yet, it washed over me with the same force as the first time i'd heard it.

and this morning, i thought that would make a good rq post: what other songs still have that power to affect me that way? this isn't the best of the best, by any means, but a sample.

one. against all odds. phil collins.

two. all by myself. eric carmen.

three. back to good. matchbox twenty.

four. between the lines. sara bareilles.

five. the chain. ingrid michaelson.

six. the climb. miley cyrus.

seven. cry. faith hill.

eight. dare you to move. switchfoot.

nine. don't take the girl. tim mcgraw.

ten. down on my knees. trisha yearwood.

eleven. faithfully. journey.

twelve. the freshmen. the verve pipe.

thirteen. god of wine. third eye blind.

fourteen. hey jupiter. tori amos.

 

fifteen. hope for the hopeless. a fine frenzy.

sixteen. i dreamed a dream. ruthie henshall.

seventeen. mandy. barry manilow. yes, i went there. this is why.

eighteen. mary jane. alanis morissette.

nineteen. round here. counting crows.

twenty. say hello to heaven. temple of the dog.

twenty-one. sometime around midnight. the airborne toxic event.

twenty-two. sometimes love just ain't enough. patty smyth.

twenty-three. this woman's work. kate bush.

twenty-four. when i look to the sky. train.

twenty-five. you raise me up. josh groban.



all there is: love stories from storycorps

why i wanted to read it: because it's small (about a hundred fifty pages) and the stories are short. it's couples talking about their spouses, about how they met, how they've lived.

what i liked: she was unfailingly loving. unfailingly. every day is a memorial for her (p. wilson--p. 91).

howard and i met on friday the thirteenth, 1969. he fell on me at a party, and i just thought he was the goofiest guy i'd ever met in my life... he had a shirt that was so rumpled, and he had these old stovepipe jeans on and a pair of shoes, one of which had many, many, many rubber bands because the sole was coming apart (g. kestenbaum--p. 92).

i was walking down the hallway, and i noticed that the last office in the hallway's door was open. i looked inside to see who was in there, and i saw a flash of ankle, and i saw these beautiful green eyes, and i saw this blond hair, and i went, wow! and then i went smack dab into the wall. i literally crashed... the very next day, at about the same time, i was walking down the hallway again, and i saw the same door open. i looked inside, saw that beautiful face, and i went, wow! and i walked into the wall again, in the same, identical place. this time i went running back to my office, closed the door, and said to myself you idiot! you idiot! what are you doing? (h. flores--p. 120).

we alternated phone calls... we argued by fax (g. pardy--p. 128).

you gave my life an anchor, and i'd like to think i've given your life wings (s. steinacher--p. 130).

there's no address on our marriage certificate, just a longitude and a latitude (t.p. headen--p. 135).

what sucked: some of the stories are sort of boring.

having said all that: it's cute, overall. a very quick read.

a history of residences

i was born in texas city. to those of you unfamiliar with southeast texas, ain't nothing in that town but a bunch of steel and lights, also known as oil refineries. you can see them from the freeway, of course, as you're trekking down interstate forty-five from houston to galveston.

we lived in houston, i think, at the time. or clear lake city. i know we lived in both, but i can't tell you which came first. i have a vague recollection of a white brick house with bluish-black shingles (or paint) on a circular block, riding my tricycle around while the movers loaded up our stuff. i was three. i might've conjured that shit up.

then there was good ole hawkins, texas. way up north near tyler by dallas. that there in that picture, that's downtown. we lived there for five years.

then came nachitoches (pronounced NAKidish), louisiana. you've seen steel magnolias, right? that town. all i remember of it is that we lived near a creek or a river, and there were alligators or crocodiles that would climb right up out of it. whenever i bitch about houston being a swamp, i remember that place. we were there for six months. my father got there first. my mom followed with my brothers and me. the moment she got there, she told him we weren't staying. if you google that town you get pictures like this:

which make the place seem kind of charming, right? i have no recollection of that, though, probably because i was in academic hell right around then. maybe i should go back.

anyway, he found work in roswell, new mexico. a city that looks like this:

in the middle of a place like this:

and we lived in that desert for a year--first on a military base, and then in a decent house on a corner lot. the only thing i liked about that town was the width of the streets. i learned to ride my bike there. i was nine.

but my daddy missed texas. so we came back here, to a suburb about forty miles north of houston. and, much to my amazement, they've stayed here.

i've come and gone a number of times. to college out of state, in a little bitty town called nevada (pronounced nuhVAYduh), missouri for two years. if it hadn't been for virginia alice cottey, the town would look like this:

then back to texas, to huntsville or home. i switched back and forth a bit.

huntsville's about half an hour north from where i am now. i commuted much of my near four years of college there, and you can see that damned statue from about twenty miles out.

then houston for two. then home, but not with my parents, for about a year.

then san antonio for four. then here, but not home, for about a year. then home, and i've been here ever since.

of those places, i'd say i liked san antonio the best. although, i'm not sure i could say it now. the last time i was there, i saw much too much so-called progress, and all the trees that edged up against the north of loop sixteen-oh-four... they've cut them down to build another mall and a dozen strip centers and more housing developments. i've not been there in three years or so. i don't want to go back.

what i loved about it... the climate, the abundance of trees, the hills, quarry market and the neighborhoods nearby. the backroads that ran east and west from highway thirty-five to interstate ten above the outer loop, between schertz (SHIRTS) and boerne (BERnee). the riverwalk.

but this is home.

the fault in our stars

why i wanted to read it: it's on the teen bestsellers bay ALL GOD DAMNED TIME. after having it glare at me (YOU WANT THIS, DON'T YOU?) relentlessly EVERY time i passed by, eventually i was no match for the dark side and crossed to the damned teen fiction category. again.

what i liked: when i was a little kid, i would wade in the white river with my dad and there was always this great moment when he would throw me up in the air, just toss me away from him, and i would reach out my arms as i flew and he would reach out his arms, and then we would both see that our arms were not going to touch and no one was going to catch me, and then i would legs-flailingly hit the water and then come up for air uninjured and the current would bring me back to him as i said again, daddy, again (pp. 54-55).

SO MANY THINGS. that's the only one i'm quoting, because i want you to fall in love with all the deliciousness inside these pages yourself. GO GET IT NOW. revel in the beauty of this beast (and know that it WILL make you cry). specifically, augustus. he might be one of my favorite characters ever. next to victoria and grant. (sorry for distracting you from this awesomesauce, but there's some pretty yummy stuff, as well, in that book there. you should read it. seriously. AFTER you read this one.)

what sucked: the repetition of the line the world is not a wish-granting factory. cancer. peter van houten. kharma.

having said all that: your world will be a thousand times better for having known augustus and hazel.

time of my life

why i wanted to read it: because it's one of those what would happen if things, and i like stories that spin that way. like if i hadn't married this guy, if i'd stayed with other one, what would my life be like? if i'm interested in a book, i don't read the first page, i pick a spot... just open it up and read. because i know that a writer's job is to catch you at the first. that's easy. the trick is to keep you. and if the middle of a book sucks, you're gonna put the book down, right? why bother? and what i read, i liked a lot.

what i liked: the premise of the story. most of the characters.

what sucked: i didn't like the main character that much. hardly at all, actually, save for a few instances, none of which were written so well that i feel compelled to share them with you.

usually, you can tell a lot about the life the writer leads by reading what she's written. and sometimes you're right. and sometimes you're wrong. in this case, my gut says that the author's life as been one that coasts. she's not known too much trauma. not personally. she's the cliquish type, the girl who's on the drill team in high school and dates one of the star players on the football team for all four years. and then she goes to college and joins the best sorority and has that circle of friends whose own lives mirror hers in ease and comfort. she graduates. gets the perfect job. marries the perfect guy in the perfect wedding ceremony. has the perfect family. lives in the perfect house. she doesn't want for much, because she gets what she wants most of the time. she's married arthur and lives in camelot. and there's no lancelot to break the idyllic bubble.

but she imagines one. and in this novel, she goes chasing after him.

the main character? she's shallow and selfish, for the most part, though she does have some compassion for a few people. she's a little annoying. not my kind of people.

having said all that: there're two characters that redeem the story a bit: henry and megan. the main character's husband and her best friend. they made me want to finish the thing.

the chance

why i wanted to read it: because the cover's kind of pretty. because i liked the idea--two teenagers, nolan and ellie, write notes to each other and bury them in an old tackle box at the base of their tree, and there the notes shall wait for eleven years before each can read what the other wrote. neither imagines that they won't see each other for that time.

what i liked: the premise of the story. the characters.

what sucked: it's a little too unreal. there's a whole lot of suspension of disbelief here. and since it's not science fiction i'm reading, i was a little perturbed at how schmaltzy it could be. then again, it IS inspirational fiction. and oh, there's god on nearly every page.

having said all that: i found myself turning the pages easily enough. it's a harmless story. wouldn't hurt you to read it. but it's not gonna warm your heart too much, either. if i find a thing i like, something so well written that i want to show it off, i tab the pages. i didn't do that once with this one.

random quarter

one. i don't understand instagram. you want the pictures you take today to have an aged look to them? twenty years from now, your family's going to look at them and the images won't be accurate reflections because you tweaked it with filters to make it look older. i guarantee you, technology will have improved so much that a basic photo taken today by you will appear to your children like the basic photos your parents took of you in the seventies. there's genuine vintage. and then there's the fake.

two. i keep hearing that line from he's just not that into you, the one jennifer connelly spoke when her philandering douchebag of a husband, bradley cooper, stands before her holding up two samples of hardwood flooring, one of which is laminate, and asks her to pick the real one. she can't, because they seem to be identical. but when he shows her the fake, she snatches it and says, "this is a lie."

i'm tired of deceit and disappointment.

the other day, i texted one of my so-called friends and asked if she was free that afternoon because i could use some of her sunshine. her kids were down for a nap; she was gonna take one, too. i asked her to text me when she woke up. perfect! she never did text me back. this kind of thing happens a lot with her. this kind of thing happens a lot with my friends, though i don't usually come right out and say i need them.

it's march. i hate march. i used to love it. winter was over. the trees and the flowers and the sun and the breeze and the blue and green... the color! after two months of gray and gloomy. spring break! my birthday! i used to love this month. now i hate it. i dread it. for SO many reasons. my allergies. my birthday. my brother. i HATE this month. my parents go to colorado, because that's where his grave is, and they need to be there. my mother needs her brothers. and that's where they are. my other brother has his wife, his children. i get to do this by myself. every year. i don't even have reliable friends upon whom i can lean. my parents' friends, maybe, but i don't like calling them, because it'd get back to my parents that i couldn't do it on my own. and then my birthday. two weeks later. i abhor this month.

for three decades, i have picked myself up every time my spirit's crashed. i have made myself get up under the delusion that at some point, picking myself up would be easier, because at some point i'd find a good support system.

it's laughable, really, that delusion. i don't know that i can keep maintaining it. and it's hope, you see. it's important that i do.

there's this other part of me that feels guilty, even as i'm typing this, that i can't always pick myself up so quickly, so successfully. the world would want me on medication because my brain is sick. and i ought to be. but when i am, i cannot write. i can't. and that is SO MUCH WORSE. then instead of a rainforest or swamp, my mental landscape would be a desert. i'd rather have the rain. the world doesn't want to hear about misery. and yet i'm writing about it. again.

i like me so much better when my head is clear.

that's a very long two. i'll try to keep the rest short.

three.  a friend gave me this picture. i like it. good stuff.

four. i've managed to keep my room clean for a week. go me!

five. i'm getting clumsier as i get older. this morning i broke some ceramic thing my mother had in her windowsill and just now i almost spilled my giant houston rodeo coke-filled cup on her computer. go me.

six. my parents have asked me several times now what i want for my birthday. what i want they can't give me. and of the things i could ask for, the only one is aggie season tickets which are now hella expensive, and i won't get those. i had to take phineas to the shop because my eight-year-old car was making godawful noises. so his repairs? that's now my birthday present. what a way to celebrate my having survived thirty-nine years of this shit.

seven. it's beautiful out today. i think i might go sit outside and read.

eight. i haven't read anything this month. i now have four days to read eight books. yeah. that's gonna happen.

nine. of the marriage equality images i'm seeing everywhere on facebook, this one's the best. and i really, really can't understand why anyone would deny anyone else any semblance of happiness. that's just stupid.

ten. i am fat. again. another reason why i hate this month. i stop caring about my diet. and the number of adult beverages i drink. and all the sudden my gut's rolling over my waistband.

eleven. i'm not nearly as much of a fan of the voice as i used to be. i might stop watching that show.

twelve. i used to like peonies the best. especially the white ones with the flash of red. they look so fragile and so feminine. so delicate. the opposite of me. mostly. i'm pretty delicate, i guess. i break easily. but i don't act delicately. or something. i'm too clumsy. too brash. too crass. anyway, when i'm feeling like that bull in a china shop, i go to the store and buy a batch of these if they have them and take them to pappadeaux's to leave at the hostess stand for the restaraunt's guests to take. makes me feel better.

but ever since reading the language of flowers by vanessa diffenbaugh, i'm conflicted. according to the floral dictionary in the back, the peony means hate. how fitting, then, that i would like it, right? i've been handing out hate. and now i feel a little guilty.
maybe i should learn to love ranunculus: you are radiant with charms. at least, i think that's what the book said it meant. i lent my copy out. i do like the colors.

thirteen. i pray almost every day that my niece will not be like me and that my nephew will not be like my older brother.

fourteen. i've been to church three times this month. and the masses have been good. prodigal sons returning and reconciliation and all that crap. and i feel good while i'm there. i feel loved by lord despite all my shit. but then, i leave his house...

fifteen. carrabbas makes the best tilapia. they also make the best chocolate martinis. and their desert rosa cake is my favorite cake of all of'm. i like it better than chocolate.

sixteen. the pear tree in my front yard is blooming. sometimes, i look at it and think my brother did that for me. i know it's not true. that the sun did it. but, there's a delusion i don't mind perpetuating.

seventeen. i bought justin timberlake's new album. i don't understand the fascination with this man, and i thought that perhaps listening to it from beginning to end might enlighten me. i don't like his voice. i don't like his lyrics. so all he's got is a beat, and i can find that anywhere.

eighteen. i've been stuck on the script. i keep hitting repeat for tracks two and three: for the first time  and nothing. i'm a little annoyed with myself that i can't click them off.

nineteen. i need there to be good movies in the theaters. and that ain't gonna happen for two more months. ARGH. and then it's only two: iron man three (which won't be that good, but i'll be content to stare at robert downey jr. for two hours, plus i like his voice) and star trek into darkness. then it's just the lone ranger. otherwise, the cinematic industry sucks ass right now. they're making a fast and furious six? and the hangover three? and before sunset? and smurfs two? what the hell for?

twenty. i'm seeing a significantly greater number of gray hairs on my head. i am adamantly opposed to coloring it or hightlighting it, though.

twenty-one. i have to rewrite five chapters. they are the crucial ones, and so they must be awesome, and i'm a little worried that i can't make them so, as their subjects are not things with which i am overly familiar.

twenty-two. i really wanted to have this book finished by my birthday.

twenty-three. i really don't want to weigh one-sixty, either.

twenty-four. but i'm too damned lazy right now. i can't bring myself to care enough to do something about it.

twenty-five. oh, i miss my brother. i miss his laughter. i so could use some of that right now.

as it is, this will have to do.

random quarter

one. the best gift i've given: the other day, a man told me i was beautiful. outside of my family, i've never heard a man say that to me.

two. the biggest surprise i encountered this year: that compliment.

three. what makes life fun for me: good company.

four. a perfect day, morning to night, looks like this: good weather, good food, good company... or a day at kyle field, win or lose (but preferably win) during football season. (not that i'll be in that there stadium any time soon... season tickets are twice as much as they used to be, and now i'm twice as poor.)

five. how would i describe myself: contradictory.

six. my heart's desire, at this very moment: that the novel i've been slaving over for more than a decade will soon find publication.

seven. the dream i've had since childhood: that i would belong.

eight. the greatest adventure i've had: the summer i toured europe with my cousins.

nine. right now i'm obsessed with: that compliment.

ten. my defining personality traits: bipolar-ness.

eleven. i am most grateful for: my parents.

twelve. my sanctuary: my room, the backroads on a glorious day, kyle field, my uncle's monastery.

thirteen. in a friend, i look for: humor, patience, compassion, fun.

fourteen. what i love about myself: talent.

fifteen. my personal motto: i don't have one.

sixteen. what i would tell my younger self: quit fucking around.

seventeen. the best advice i've ever been given: write.

eighteen. what i want to spend more time doing: writing.

nineteen. what i hope to do differently this year: get published.

twenty. what motivates me: pithy checking account balances.

twenty-one. what makes me feel alive: music.

twenty-two. what memory i'd love to relieve: passion.

twenty-three. what inspires me: love.

twenty-four. i admire: honesty.

twenty-five. what i'd like to be better at: reading people and trusting them in their absence.

stargirl

why i wanted to read it: a girl i met at the bookstore yesterday recommended it.

what i liked: she laughed when there was no joke. she danced when there was no music (p. 15).

suddenly, intensely, i wanted to know everything about her. i wanted to see her baby pictures. i wanted to watch her eating breakfast, wrapping a gift, sleeping. since september, she had been a performer--unique and outrageous--on the high school stage. she was the opposite of cool; she held nothing back. from her decorated desk to her oratorical speech to her performance on the football field, she was there for all to see. and yet now i felt i had not been paying attention. i felt i had missed something, something important (p. 78).

she was bendable light: she shone around every corner of my day.

she taught me to revel. she taught me to wonder (p. 107).

i walked in a gray world of nothings. 

so she would stop and point out that the front door of the house we were passing was blue. and that the last time we had passed it, it had been green...

after a while i began to see better. when she said, "look!" and i followed her pointing finger, i saw. eventually it became a contest: who would see first? when i finally did it--said "look!" and pointed and tugged her sleeve--i was as proud as a first grader with a star on his paper (p. 108).

"i hate change," she said. "it's so jangly."

"do you realize how much you must throw away in a year," i said.

"did you ever see a little kid's face when he spots a penny on a sidewalk?" she said (p. 118).

and just like that, stargirl was gone... she turned around slowly for my open-mouthed, dumbstruck inspection. nothing goofy, nothing different i could see. she looked magnificently, wonderfully, gloriously ordinary (pp. 139-140).

"gave up herself for a while there, she loved you that much. what an incredibly lucky kid you were."

i could not look at him. "i know."

he shook his head with a wistful sadness. "no, you don't. you can't know yet. maybe someday..."

i knew he was tempted to say more. probably to tell me how stupid i was, how cowardly, that i blew the best chance i would ever have. but his smile returned, and his eyes were tender again, and nothing harsher than cherry smoke came out of his mouth (178).

what sucked: at times it borders on ridiculous. but then that could be because i don't often embrace oddity.

having said all that: it's a very quick read, and parts of the story are really quite good. i'd folded down the corners of quite a few pages so that i could share with you the quotes that resonated for whatever reason. and i think perhaps it's the kind of story, on the whole, that will resonate for some time.

persuasion

why i wanted to read it: sandra bullock quoted it in the film the lake house: there could have been no two hearts so open, no tastes so similar, no feelings so in unison...

i'd liked pride and prejudice well enough (though i'd forgotten how painstaking reading it had been), and so i'd asked my father to buy me a copy.

it sat, for years, on my desktop. once in a long while, i'd take it down and try to read it, but i never got past the first chapter.

what i liked: the years which had destroyed her youth and bloom had only given him a more glowing, manly, open look, in respect lessening his personal advantages (p. 58).

his kindness in stepping forward to her relief--the manner--the silence in which it passed--the little particulars of the circumstance--with the conviction soon forced on her by the noise he was studiously making with the child, that he meant to avoid hearing her thanks, and rather sought to testify that her conversation was the last of his wants, produced such a confusion of varying, but painful agitation as she could not recover from... (p. 77).

she understood him. he could not forgive her.--but he could not be unfeeling (p. 87).

after talking however of the weather and bath and the concert, their conversation began to flag, and so little was said at last, that she was expecting him to go at every moment; but he did not; he seemed in no hurry to leave her... (p 171).

"a man does not recover from such a devotion of the heart to such a woman!--he ought not. he does not" (p. 173).

the careless expression was life to anne, who saw that captain wentworth was all attention, looking and listening with his whole soul; and that the last words brought his enquiring eyes from charles to herself (p. 211).

i am half agony, half hope... unjust i may have been, weak and resentful i have been, but never inconstant... you sink your voice, but i can distinguish the tones of that voice, when they would be lost on others... (pp. 223-224).

what sucked: pretty much the whole of the book, excepting the quotes mentioned above and the majority of the text from page 217 on.

i fell asleep SO many times reading this book. oh, if only the whole of the thing could've held my attention half as well as the last twenty pages did.

the first sentence of pride and prejudice: it is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife. 

twenty-three words.

the first sentence of persuasion: sir walter elliot, of kellynch-hall, in somersetshire, was a man who, for his own amusement, never took up any book but the baronetage, there he found occupation for an idle hour, and consolation in a distressed one; there his faculties were aroused into admiration and respect, by contemplating the remnant of the earliest patents; there any unwelcome sensations, arising from domestic affairs, changed naturally into pity and contempt, as he turned over the almost endless creations of the last century, and there, if every other leaf were powerless he could read his own history with an interest which never failed--this was the page at which the favorite volume always opened: (p. 3).

note the punctuation at the conclusion of that quote. a colon. A COLON. as in there are more words to follow. because the last quote has MORE than a HUNDRED words in it, BEFORE the colon. try diagramming that. you can't! it's not concluded yet!

nine times out of ten, this is what EVERY SINGLE sentence is like.

i like periods. i love them. they're like little gems. prizes for having read a whole sentence! and boy, would i've liked to've been rewarded for reading strings of sentences that were sometimes so long they took up a bottom third of a page and a top third of another.

i also love dialogue. and there is so very little of each of these things in this novel. so many times, i would've appreciated the white space that comes with quoting what was said rather than relaying it in prose. some pages are huge blocks of text. in fact, there are some pages that are comprised of two paragraphs. two VERY LONG, tedious paragraphs.

having said all that: meh.

(i watched the bbc production this morning, and have greater respect for the plot, and a better understanding of the power of the tale. i think the film succeeds in telling the brunt of the story, but lacks severely in the ending. here, the novel is infinitely better.)