m is for monastery

so one of my favorite things about the holidays -- christmas and easter and whatnot -- is the phone call we get from my great uncle, a trappist monk at a monastery in huntsville, utah, outside of salt lake city. his birth name was clarence, but upon entering the monastery he became brother nicholas, or nick.

he'll call at around eight a.m. -- we are one of many families to receive the pleasure of his company via phone conversation, as he is an incredibly popular dude ... relatives from all across the country clamor for his attention, and i like to think he calls our house first, though there's this part of me that knows that's probably not the case ... still, i delude myself, and happily.

it's an hour earlier there. he's been up for probably four hours (crazy!). my family's been up for maybe one. we're sleepy and groggy and not always so happy to be up that early. but we'll wait, patiently, considering, for our turn to the talk to the man.

that image you have of a cowboy, my uncle fits it to a t. he wears chambray button down shirts and wrangler blue jeans and dirty, ole boots and a cowboy hat. he's quiet and slow and unbelievably patient. he's got this dopey grin, a contagious one. he gives the best hugs ever.

he's in his eighties now. you might think the strength of that hug might wane with age, but it's just as strong and warm and comforting -- just as bearish -- as it had been when i was three. and it's like that, regardless of how long it's been since you've seen him. the hug he gives you when he greets you at the guest house the moment you get there is the same as the one he'd give you days later when he's come back from his afternoon nap.

he was a navy boy and a pool shark. before this, he and two of his brothers (the three of them were inseparable) caused all kinds of hell, like the time one of them (the oldest of the three -- joe) stood in front of their house and put his hands up to his cheeks and wiggled his fingers and stuck out his tongue. and there's nick, standing before him, but a few feet away, armed with a giant watermelon. he hurled it. he missed. it flew through the stained glass window. great grandma was not pleased. great grandma wore a cord of rope around her waist for moments like this, and i'm sure the three of them got swatted with it often.

he's jolly. he observant. he's sensitive (in a good way). and his faith astounds me. he's awesome. so incredibly awesome.

this man is the closest thing i have to a grandfather. my mom's dad died when i was three. and even if he hadn't, he wasn't the coolest of dudes. my dad's dad died when i was in junior high.

so those phone calls we get from him make my day.

and the weekly summer trips we take to his monastery to spend time with him and his other brothers, the monks ... those are my favorite vacations -- hands down.

i don't get to go this summer, though. i'm going to europe with my cousins, which should be awesome, and i'm very excited about it, but because i'm going on this trip, i can't go see him. i'm pretty bummed. majorly bummed, actually. these summer trips have been a tradition long before i was born. my mother and her brothers and their families have a miniature family reunion at his place.

we fly to salt lake, rent a car, meet up with the others at the guest house, which is just inside the monastery's property, in a valley near ogden. it's about an hour north of salt lake. it's glorious, even in the winter. it's the epitome of peaceful. it's in the perfect place. and for a week, during the day, we help the monk out with his chores. and at night, we make g and t's and mojitos. the women cook dinner, and the boys smoke cigars, and we sit out on the hill (which is hidden by all that wonderful shade) beside the house and reminisce about all those times we made mischief.

good times.

and, oh my heavens, you should see the stars at night in this place. it's magical.

the last time i talked to him, i had to tell him i couldn't come to see him this summer. that was not a fun conversation.

maybe i can see him this fall. that would be nice. i think the monk would like that. i know i would.

you wanna see more of it? go here.

it's mentioned in a book! read it.

this was a matlock project. learn about that here.

this week's wisdom

consider the work of god;

for who can make straight what he has

made crooked?

in the day of prosperity be joyful,

but in the day of adversity consider:

surely god has appointed the one as well as

the other,

so that man can find out nothing that will

come after him (ecclesiastes 7:13-14).

and last week's

now it shall come to pass, if you diligently

obey the voice of the lord your god, to

observe carefully all his commandments

which i command you today, that the lord

your god will set you high above all nations of

the earth. and all these blessings shall come

upon you and overtake you, because you obey

the voice of the lord your god:

blessed shall you be in the city, and blessed

shall you be in the country.

blessed shall be the fruit of your body, the

produce of your ground and the increase of

your herds, the increase of your cattle and the

offspring of your flocks.

blessed shall be your basket and your

kneading bowl.

blessed shall you be when you come in,

and blessed shall you be when you go out

(deuteromy 28:1-6).

this week's wisdom

but take careful heed to do the commandment

and the law which moses the servant of

the lord commanded you, to love the lord

your god, to walk in all his ways, to keep his

commandments, to hold fast to him, and to

and to serve him with all your heart and with all your

soul (joshua 22:5).

past weeks' wisdom

let love be without hypocrisy. abhor

what is evil. cling to what is good. be kindly

affectionate to one another with brotherly love,

in honor giving preference to one another; not

lagging in diligence, fervent in spirit, serving the

lord; rejoicing in hope, patient in tribulation,

continuing steadfastly in prayer (romans 12:9-12).

cease from anger, and forsake wrath;

do not fret--it only causes harm.

for evildoers shall be cut off;

but those who wait on the lord,

they shall inherit the earth (psalm 37:8-9).

being confident of this very thing, that he

who has begun a good work in you will

complete it until the day of jesus christ (phillippians 1:6).

my kabuki

today's tunes are brought to you by the eagles, third eye blind, three doors down, hootie and the blowfish and garth brooks.

mama says this one reminds her of you.

desperado
these things that are pleasing you
can hurt you somehow...
now it seems to me some fine things
have been layed upon your table
but you only want the ones
that you can't get...
your prison is walking
through this world all alone
don't your feet get cold in the wintertime
the sky won't snow, and the sun won't shine
it's hard to tell the nighttime from the day...
come down from your fences
let somebody love you
before it's too late

it was a four-hour drive from my apartment to the folks' house. this was on repeat the whole way home.

the god of wine
there's another chip you haven't spent
and you're cashing them all in...
the alchohol, it permeates
and soon the cells give way
and cancels out the day...
every glamourous sunrise
throws the planets out of line
a star sign out of whack
a fraudulent zodiac...
you let me down

and since you've left us, every time i hear here without you, i think of you. i heard it at one this morning. as if i needed the reminder.

at three a.m. when the cops were calling mom and dad, i was in my apartment cleaning out my cds and came across this one.

not even the trees
someone please talk to me
cause i feel you cry
and you're sitting with him
and i know i'll never see you again...
and i wanna know if it's true
when he looks at me, won't you tell me
does he realize the pain i'm in
he took you too soon
and now my days are short
and my nights are long...
and it makes me wonder
as i sit and stare
will i see your face again
tell me, do you care...
and right now i just can't see
cause i'm feeling weak
and my soul begins to bleed
and no one's listening to me
not even the trees

mama says this one makes her think of you, too. it makes me think of her thinking of you.

wolves
i spent the morning thinking
about the ones the wolves pulled down...
lord, please shine a light of hope
on those of us who fall behind
and when we stumble...
could you help us up while there's still time...
i don't mean to be complaining, lord
you always see me through
and i know you've got your reasons
for each and everything you do
but tonight outside my window
there's a lonesome mournful sound
and i just can't keep from thinking
about the ones the wolves pull down

prayer for those in need of respect

most merciful god,

there are many in this city

who hate themselves

who consider their lives worthless

who have not known the healing of love

touch them with the wonder

and the power of your transforming love

that their lives may be may whole

that they find fulfillment in life

that they my rejoice in your blessing (vienna cobb anderson).

this week's wisdom

therefore strengthen the hands which hang

down, and the feeble knees (hebrews 12:12).

and last week's

but we urge you brethren...that you also

aspire to lead a quiet life, to mind your own

business, and to work with your own hands, as

we commanded you, that you may walk

properly toward those who are outside, and

that you may lack nothing (1 thessalonians 4:10-12).

this week's wisdom

but we urge you, brethren...that you also
aspire to lead a quite life, to mind your own
business, and to work with your own hands, as
we commanded you, that you may walk
properly toward those who are outside, and
that you lack nothing (1 thessalonians 4:10-12)

this week's wisdom

he gives power to the weak

and those who have no might he increases strength

even the youths shall faint and be weary

and the young men shall utterly fall

but those who wait on the lord

shall renew their strength

they shall mount up on wings like eagles

they shall run and not be weary

they shall walk and not faint (isaiah 40:29-31).

and the previous weeks'

the lord is near to those who have a broken heart

and saves those who have a contrite spirit

many are the afflictions of the righteous

but the lord delivers him out of them all (psalm 34:18-19).

therefore do not cast away your confidence

which has great reward. for you have need of

endurance, so that after you have done the will

of god, you may receive the promise:

for yet after a little while,

and he who is coming will come and will not tarry

now the just shall live by faith

but if anyone draws back

my soul has no pleasure in him (hebrews 10:35-38).

this week's wisdom

where can i go from your spirit?
or where can i flee from your presence?
if i ascend into heaven, you are there
if i make my bed in hell, behold, you are there
if i take the wings of the morning
and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea
even there your hand shall lead me
and your right hand shall hold me
if i say, surely the darkness shall fall on me
even the night shall be light about me
indeed the darkness shall not hide from you
but the night shines as the day
the darkness and the light are both alike to you

search me, o god, and know my heart
try me, and know my anxieties
and see if there is any wicked way in me
and lead me in the way everlasting (psalm 139:1-12, 23-24).

and last week's

and there will be signs in the sun, in the moon and in the stars; and on the earth distress of nations, with perplexity, the sea and the waves roaring; men's hearts failing them from fear and the expectation of those things which are coming on the earth, for the powers of the heavens will be shaken. then they will see the son of man coming in a cloud with power and great glory. now when these things begin to happen, look up and lift up your heads, because your redemption draws near (luke 21:25-28).

leap already

one of my favorite children's books is little quack, about a duckling who's too afraid to leave the nest to go swimming with his mother and siblings. actually, all the ducklings are afraid, but one by one, the mama coaxes them out of the nest and into the water. eventually little quack succeeds in leaving the nest, as well. what i like the best about it is the illustrations. the face and gestures little quack makes as his mama attempts to cajole him into leaving that nest are really too cute. he's so cute, in fact, that the store for which i work has created gift cards with his image on it. and whenever i feel like not nickel and diming my debit card with cafe purchases, i buy one of those gift cards.

the duck was my college mascot, after all.

i went to see leap year tonight. i liked it a lot. not because it's this fantastic story (because it isn't) and not because it's all that funny (because it isn't), but because i dig matthew goode's character and i am in love with britain's countryside.

i've friends who live there. friends who've lived there. they hate it.

i should listen to them when they bitch about it. hell, i've been there. it's horribly, horribly inconvenient. the difficulties amy adams' character has? they aren't that much of an exaggeration.

i almost got arrested in cardiff's airport by a customs officer when i arrived. the lady at the train station didn't ask me which way i'd like to get to hay-on-wye, and because she didn't ask, i was practically dumped off in the middle of nowhere. heads up, boys and girls. if you ever go to wales, builth road isn't a station. there i was, standing on a platform, staring at endless trees to my right and left and a handful of windows opened on the second floor of the building in front of me. residences, folks. and when you yell at the windows, no one answers. i had to knock on doors. i had to pay a stranger, some guy who, thankfully, wasn't a serial killer or rapist, twenty pounds to give me a ride. had the lady at the cardiff train station asked, i could've taken the train to hereford instead and caught a bus that would've deposited me two blocks from my bed and breakfast. of course, i got there on a sunday. maybe that had something to do with it.

it's not an easy country. but is there such a thing?

it's glorious and lush and simple and peaceful.

the villages' businesses close at five o'clock. every night. the only things open after that are the pubs and restaurants. it's quiet and charming and old school. and i dig it.

i drove home through the flat and ever increasingly coldly concrete landscape of what once was a fairly small town surrounded by dense forests of pine trees in every direction...

i so want to get out of here.

and it's not that i'm too afraid to leave the physical nest. i've left it before. and every time i leave it, i get a little better at having done so.

that scene from five hundred days of summer? the one where it shows his expectations on one side and his reality on the other?

i feel like my persona's split somehow. not in a schizophrenic sort of way, but in a...

in a bipolar sort of way.

in certain situations, i could approach anyone and ask him or her anything at all. that tricky question that you're too afraid to ask, because you feel like it's too rude to ask it, but you really need to know the answer? let me.

but in others, i can't say jack shit.

i've probably written about this before, too.

this is what happens when you're me, though. the damned thoughts keep circling, like vultures.

i wish i could be ballsy all the time. god knows the world would like me much better for it.

i would like me much better.

amy adams' character stages apartments and homes for a living. this means that she goes in to a property that's available for purchase and fixes it up just so, so the people viewing the property would feel compelled to purchase/lease/rent it.

but i imagine one would have to have an interior design degree for that, and i have no depth perception, thereby having lousy spatial recognition skills. pair that with the rather sizable chunk of change i owe in college loans (i tried to boost my grade point average so that i could get into graduate school, but that didn't go so well...all kinds of good things came from that experience, though, so i'm not too disappointed) and the credit score of a financially irresponsible chick and you get? bad idea.

i can talk myself out of anything.

i don't know who taught me that, if it was my peers or my parents.

but i learned at a very early age to be practical. i don't always appear to have learned the lesson, but the reasonable person doesn't shuck everything and move to colorado or california or the celtic lands without a plan. and you can't just jump in.

there's a reason there's a shallow end.

it's not realistic to shoot for the fences. only the beautiful people manage to hit them.

look at all the damage in my noggin.

i want a life so very different from the one i have. not a glamourous life, but an eventful one. more an exciting one.

because inside of me is a woman so very different from the one most people see.

on the rare occasion i think i could make it out of the mental nest to swim freely in those waters and live the life i imagine, all i have to do is look in the mirror.

weeding

failure at some point in everyone's life is inevitable, but giving up is unforgivable (catherine eugenia finnegan biden). 

‘there is no use trying,’ said alice; ‘one can’t believe impossible things.’ ‘i dare say you haven’t had much practice,’ said the queen. ‘when i was your age, i always did it for half an hour a day. why, sometimes i’ve believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast.’ (lewis carroll).

if you’re going through hell, keep going (winston churchill).  

could you expect me to rejoice in the inferiority of your circumstances (mr. darcy—pride and prejudice)?   

be gentle with yourself. you are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars. in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul (max ehrmann).  

to laugh often and much, to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children, to earn the appreciation of honest critics and to endure the betrayal of false friends, to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others, to leave the world a bit better…to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived—this is to have succeeded (ralph waldo emerson).   

nonsense. i have not yet begun to defile myself (doc holliday—tombstone).   

never start with the head; the victim gets all fuzzy (the joker—the dark knight).   

my mind has an endless capacity for useless information (keenan—playing by heart).   

the women i like best aren't always strong, and they're certainly not invincible (lisa kogan).

speak your mind, even if your voice shakes (maggie kuhn).    

i have been told there is much to see upon a walk, but all i've detected so far is a general tendency to green above and brown below (tom lefroy—becoming jane).   

well, it certainly illustrates the diversity of the word (connor mcmanus—the boondock saints). 

if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best (marilyn monroe).   

i am jack's smirking revenge (narrator—fight club).   

courage does not always roar. sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, ‘i will try again tomorrow.’ (mary anne radmacher).   

the million-guys-are-after-you-and-they're-blinded-by-your-beauty kind of shit. real big stuff. you know, that just—even—we got the dick that kidnaps you and sticks you in a cave, and you're guarded by a five-headed dragon. you know? and the tales of your plight are spread throughout the land, and all the guys go and put on their shoes so they can see what's up, but none of them have the balls to save her (henry roth—dedication).   

i think we live our lives so afraid to be seen as weak that we die perhaps without ever having been seen at all (alan shore—boston legal).   

any man who judges her as harshly as she judges herself isn't worth knowing (carla sosenko).

who is the happier man, he who has braved the storm of life and lived, or he who has stayed securely on shore and merely existed? (hunter s. thompson).

look up

we should never go through life doubting our existence or believing the lie that our life does not matter. by being alive in this day and time, we should be eager for each new day that comes our way to meet its challenges and exceed what we even thought was possible. by having a quiet confidence, we are reaffirming our faith in ourselves as well as our faith in the lord who has promised our success and our victory. get it deep in your mind and heart that you are special and are alive today because you are meant to accomplish something that no one else has been equipped to accomplish

if we only knew how special god sees us, we would never allow our temporary trials to get down or discouraged. we would be true overcomers because we would see with renewed eyes how special we really are. be encouraged to believe this truth about how special you are in god's eyes and rededicate yourself to being positive, outgoing, steadfast, faithful and unwavered in your walk with the lord. by doing our simple part of staying in faith, the lord will continue to do his part to lead us onto the path that is best for our life (psalm 139:17-18, psalm 103:10-12, philippians 3:13-14).

you are worth it.

do not undermine your worth by comparing yourself with others. it is because we are different that each of us is special.

do not set your goals by what other people deem important. only you know what is best for you.

do not take for granted the things closest to your heart. cling to them as you would your life, for without them, life is meaningless.

do not let your life slip through your fingers by living in the past nor for the future. by living your life one day at a time, you live all the days of your life.

do not give up when you still have something to give. nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying. it is a fragile thread that binds us to each other.

do not be afraid to encounter risks. it is by taking chances that we learn how to be brave.

do not shut love out of your life by saying it is impossible to find. the quickest way to receive love is to give love; the fastest way to lose love is to hold it too tightly.

do not dismiss your dreams. to be without dreams is to be without hope; to be without hope is to be without purpose.

do not run through life so fast that you forget not only where you have been, but also where you are going. life is not a race, but a journey to be savored each step of the way. he hath not dealt with us after our sins; nor rewarded us according to our iniquities. for as the heaven is high above the earth, so great is his mercy toward them that fear him. as far as the east is from the west, so far hath he removed our transgressions from us (psalm 103:10-12).

a merry heart doeth good like a medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones (proverbs 17:22).

let your conversation be without covetousness; and be content with such things as ye have: for he hath said, i will never leave thee, nor forsake thee. so that we may boldly say, the lord is my helper, and i will not fear what man shall do unto me (hebrews 13:5-6).

trust in the lord, and do good; so shalt thou dwell in the land, and verily thou shalt be fed. delight thyself also in the lord; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart. commit thy way unto the lord; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass. and he shall bring forth thy righteousness as the light, and thy judgment as the noonday (psalm 37:3-6).

finally brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. those things, which ye have both learned, and received, and heard, and seen in me, do: and the god of peace shall be with you (phillippians 4:8-9)