but we urge you, brethren...that you also
aspire to lead a quite life, to mind your own
business, and to work with your own hands, as
we commanded you, that you may walk
properly toward those who are outside, and
that you lack nothing (1 thessalonians 4:10-12)

this week's wisdom

he gives power to the weak

and those who have no might he increases strength

even the youths shall faint and be weary

and the young men shall utterly fall

but those who wait on the lord

shall renew their strength

they shall mount up on wings like eagles

they shall run and not be weary

they shall walk and not faint (isaiah 40:29-31).

and the previous weeks'

the lord is near to those who have a broken heart

and saves those who have a contrite spirit

many are the afflictions of the righteous

but the lord delivers him out of them all (psalm 34:18-19).

therefore do not cast away your confidence

which has great reward. for you have need of

endurance, so that after you have done the will

of god, you may receive the promise:

for yet after a little while,

and he who is coming will come and will not tarry

now the just shall live by faith

but if anyone draws back

my soul has no pleasure in him (hebrews 10:35-38).

this week's wisdom

where can i go from your spirit?
or where can i flee from your presence?
if i ascend into heaven, you are there
if i make my bed in hell, behold, you are there
if i take the wings of the morning
and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea
even there your hand shall lead me
and your right hand shall hold me
if i say, surely the darkness shall fall on me
even the night shall be light about me
indeed the darkness shall not hide from you
but the night shines as the day
the darkness and the light are both alike to you

search me, o god, and know my heart
try me, and know my anxieties
and see if there is any wicked way in me
and lead me in the way everlasting (psalm 139:1-12, 23-24).

and last week's

and there will be signs in the sun, in the moon and in the stars; and on the earth distress of nations, with perplexity, the sea and the waves roaring; men's hearts failing them from fear and the expectation of those things which are coming on the earth, for the powers of the heavens will be shaken. then they will see the son of man coming in a cloud with power and great glory. now when these things begin to happen, look up and lift up your heads, because your redemption draws near (luke 21:25-28).

leap already

one of my favorite children's books is little quack, about a duckling who's too afraid to leave the nest to go swimming with his mother and siblings. actually, all the ducklings are afraid, but one by one, the mama coaxes them out of the nest and into the water. eventually little quack succeeds in leaving the nest, as well. what i like the best about it is the illustrations. the face and gestures little quack makes as his mama attempts to cajole him into leaving that nest are really too cute. he's so cute, in fact, that the store for which i work has created gift cards with his image on it. and whenever i feel like not nickel and diming my debit card with cafe purchases, i buy one of those gift cards.

the duck was my college mascot, after all.

i went to see leap year tonight. i liked it a lot. not because it's this fantastic story (because it isn't) and not because it's all that funny (because it isn't), but because i dig matthew goode's character and i am in love with britain's countryside.

i've friends who live there. friends who've lived there. they hate it.

i should listen to them when they bitch about it. hell, i've been there. it's horribly, horribly inconvenient. the difficulties amy adams' character has? they aren't that much of an exaggeration.

i almost got arrested in cardiff's airport by a customs officer when i arrived. the lady at the train station didn't ask me which way i'd like to get to hay-on-wye, and because she didn't ask, i was practically dumped off in the middle of nowhere. heads up, boys and girls. if you ever go to wales, builth road isn't a station. there i was, standing on a platform, staring at endless trees to my right and left and a handful of windows opened on the second floor of the building in front of me. residences, folks. and when you yell at the windows, no one answers. i had to knock on doors. i had to pay a stranger, some guy who, thankfully, wasn't a serial killer or rapist, twenty pounds to give me a ride. had the lady at the cardiff train station asked, i could've taken the train to hereford instead and caught a bus that would've deposited me two blocks from my bed and breakfast. of course, i got there on a sunday. maybe that had something to do with it.

it's not an easy country. but is there such a thing?

it's glorious and lush and simple and peaceful.

the villages' businesses close at five o'clock. every night. the only things open after that are the pubs and restaurants. it's quiet and charming and old school. and i dig it.

i drove home through the flat and ever increasingly coldly concrete landscape of what once was a fairly small town surrounded by dense forests of pine trees in every direction...

i so want to get out of here.

and it's not that i'm too afraid to leave the physical nest. i've left it before. and every time i leave it, i get a little better at having done so.

that scene from five hundred days of summer? the one where it shows his expectations on one side and his reality on the other?

i feel like my persona's split somehow. not in a schizophrenic sort of way, but in a...

in a bipolar sort of way.

in certain situations, i could approach anyone and ask him or her anything at all. that tricky question that you're too afraid to ask, because you feel like it's too rude to ask it, but you really need to know the answer? let me.

but in others, i can't say jack shit.

i've probably written about this before, too.

this is what happens when you're me, though. the damned thoughts keep circling, like vultures.

i wish i could be ballsy all the time. god knows the world would like me much better for it.

i would like me much better.

amy adams' character stages apartments and homes for a living. this means that she goes in to a property that's available for purchase and fixes it up just so, so the people viewing the property would feel compelled to purchase/lease/rent it.

but i imagine one would have to have an interior design degree for that, and i have no depth perception, thereby having lousy spatial recognition skills. pair that with the rather sizable chunk of change i owe in college loans (i tried to boost my grade point average so that i could get into graduate school, but that didn't go so well...all kinds of good things came from that experience, though, so i'm not too disappointed) and the credit score of a financially irresponsible chick and you get? bad idea.

i can talk myself out of anything.

i don't know who taught me that, if it was my peers or my parents.

but i learned at a very early age to be practical. i don't always appear to have learned the lesson, but the reasonable person doesn't shuck everything and move to colorado or california or the celtic lands without a plan. and you can't just jump in.

there's a reason there's a shallow end.

it's not realistic to shoot for the fences. only the beautiful people manage to hit them.

look at all the damage in my noggin.

i want a life so very different from the one i have. not a glamourous life, but an eventful one. more an exciting one.

because inside of me is a woman so very different from the one most people see.

on the rare occasion i think i could make it out of the mental nest to swim freely in those waters and live the life i imagine, all i have to do is look in the mirror.

weeding

failure at some point in everyone's life is inevitable, but giving up is unforgivable (catherine eugenia finnegan biden). 

‘there is no use trying,’ said alice; ‘one can’t believe impossible things.’ ‘i dare say you haven’t had much practice,’ said the queen. ‘when i was your age, i always did it for half an hour a day. why, sometimes i’ve believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast.’ (lewis carroll).

if you’re going through hell, keep going (winston churchill).  

could you expect me to rejoice in the inferiority of your circumstances (mr. darcy—pride and prejudice)?   

be gentle with yourself. you are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars. in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul (max ehrmann).  

to laugh often and much, to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children, to earn the appreciation of honest critics and to endure the betrayal of false friends, to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others, to leave the world a bit better…to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived—this is to have succeeded (ralph waldo emerson).   

nonsense. i have not yet begun to defile myself (doc holliday—tombstone).   

never start with the head; the victim gets all fuzzy (the joker—the dark knight).   

my mind has an endless capacity for useless information (keenan—playing by heart).   

the women i like best aren't always strong, and they're certainly not invincible (lisa kogan).

speak your mind, even if your voice shakes (maggie kuhn).    

i have been told there is much to see upon a walk, but all i've detected so far is a general tendency to green above and brown below (tom lefroy—becoming jane).   

well, it certainly illustrates the diversity of the word (connor mcmanus—the boondock saints). 

if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best (marilyn monroe).   

i am jack's smirking revenge (narrator—fight club).   

courage does not always roar. sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, ‘i will try again tomorrow.’ (mary anne radmacher).   

the million-guys-are-after-you-and-they're-blinded-by-your-beauty kind of shit. real big stuff. you know, that just—even—we got the dick that kidnaps you and sticks you in a cave, and you're guarded by a five-headed dragon. you know? and the tales of your plight are spread throughout the land, and all the guys go and put on their shoes so they can see what's up, but none of them have the balls to save her (henry roth—dedication).   

i think we live our lives so afraid to be seen as weak that we die perhaps without ever having been seen at all (alan shore—boston legal).   

any man who judges her as harshly as she judges herself isn't worth knowing (carla sosenko).

who is the happier man, he who has braved the storm of life and lived, or he who has stayed securely on shore and merely existed? (hunter s. thompson).

look up

we should never go through life doubting our existence or believing the lie that our life does not matter. by being alive in this day and time, we should be eager for each new day that comes our way to meet its challenges and exceed what we even thought was possible. by having a quiet confidence, we are reaffirming our faith in ourselves as well as our faith in the lord who has promised our success and our victory. get it deep in your mind and heart that you are special and are alive today because you are meant to accomplish something that no one else has been equipped to accomplish

if we only knew how special god sees us, we would never allow our temporary trials to get down or discouraged. we would be true overcomers because we would see with renewed eyes how special we really are. be encouraged to believe this truth about how special you are in god's eyes and rededicate yourself to being positive, outgoing, steadfast, faithful and unwavered in your walk with the lord. by doing our simple part of staying in faith, the lord will continue to do his part to lead us onto the path that is best for our life (psalm 139:17-18, psalm 103:10-12, philippians 3:13-14).

you are worth it.

do not undermine your worth by comparing yourself with others. it is because we are different that each of us is special.

do not set your goals by what other people deem important. only you know what is best for you.

do not take for granted the things closest to your heart. cling to them as you would your life, for without them, life is meaningless.

do not let your life slip through your fingers by living in the past nor for the future. by living your life one day at a time, you live all the days of your life.

do not give up when you still have something to give. nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying. it is a fragile thread that binds us to each other.

do not be afraid to encounter risks. it is by taking chances that we learn how to be brave.

do not shut love out of your life by saying it is impossible to find. the quickest way to receive love is to give love; the fastest way to lose love is to hold it too tightly.

do not dismiss your dreams. to be without dreams is to be without hope; to be without hope is to be without purpose.

do not run through life so fast that you forget not only where you have been, but also where you are going. life is not a race, but a journey to be savored each step of the way. he hath not dealt with us after our sins; nor rewarded us according to our iniquities. for as the heaven is high above the earth, so great is his mercy toward them that fear him. as far as the east is from the west, so far hath he removed our transgressions from us (psalm 103:10-12).

a merry heart doeth good like a medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones (proverbs 17:22).

let your conversation be without covetousness; and be content with such things as ye have: for he hath said, i will never leave thee, nor forsake thee. so that we may boldly say, the lord is my helper, and i will not fear what man shall do unto me (hebrews 13:5-6).

trust in the lord, and do good; so shalt thou dwell in the land, and verily thou shalt be fed. delight thyself also in the lord; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart. commit thy way unto the lord; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass. and he shall bring forth thy righteousness as the light, and thy judgment as the noonday (psalm 37:3-6).

finally brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. those things, which ye have both learned, and received, and heard, and seen in me, do: and the god of peace shall be with you (phillippians 4:8-9)

once upon a time i was happy

i miss the days in which i was oblivious to the imperfections of my face.

this week's wisdom

but thanks be to god, who gives us the victory through our lord jesus christ.

therefore, my beloved brethren, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the lord, knowing that your labor is not in vain in the lord (1 corinthians 15:57-58).

this week's wisdom

wait on the lord,

and keep his way,

and he shall exalt you to inherit the land;

when the wicked are cut off, you shall see it.

i have seen the wicked in great power,

and spreading himself like a native green tree.

yet he passed away, and behold, he was no more;

indeed i sought him, but he could not be found.

mark the blameless man, and observe the upright;

for the future of that man is peace.

but the salvation of the righteous is from the lord;

and the lord shall help them and deliver them;

he shall deliver them from the wicked,

and save them,

because they trust him (psalm 37:34-37, 39-40).

and last week's

but no man can tame the tongue. it is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison.

with it we bless our god and father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in the similitude of god. out of the same mouth proceed blessing and cursing. my brethren, these things ought not to be so. does a spring send forth fresh water and bitter from the same opening? can a fig tree, my brethren, bear olives, or a grapevine bear figs? thus no spring yields both salt water and fresh.

who is wise and understanding among you? let him show by good conduct that his works are done in the meekness of wisdom (james 3:8-13).

this week's wisdom

i've been racking my brain's trying to figure out what to get my father for christmas. every year he tells me the same thing--books. this year he wanted me to use the money i would spend on him to buy something for the wonder twins, but i don't like that idea, because he should have things under the tree, too. he's my daddy. i want to get him something, because he's always getting me something.

a week or so ago, i asked my mother for ideas. she said to write him a poem and frame it. she also suggested putting a little book together of photos of he and i.

i don't want to do the first thing. i already did that.

the second idea, though, had merit.

so tonight, after an ugly day at work, i play with the boxes of photos mom has stored in my brothers' closet.

at first it's fun, this little scavenger hunt. at first, when i find photos of myself in which i'm obviously happy, i'm glad. in addition to any photos i might find of my daddy and me, i'm setting aside those photos of a happier me, so that when i get sad or when i think my childhood was completely miserable, i can look at those photos and be reminded that it didn't all suck.

the trouble with photos is thus: they can lie just as well as a writer can.

take the one of my younger brother, his wife, their mutual friends and i standing on the porch of the colorado cabin our family once owned. we all look like we're having a good time. everybody's grinning and seemingly happy.

i was eager to get home. i was irritated that they weren't helping me clean up the place. i was irritated with him for rushing me. but you wouldn't know this by looking.

so there's all these photos of me with the shy, but supremely bright smile on my face. i wonder in how many of those photos i actually was happy to have had the picture taken.

anyway. by the end of it, i was depressed, and crying, because i wasn't pretty and poised like mama. and i only found three pictures of only my father and i.

so, i'm a little bummed.

today's wisdom is thus:

therefore we do not lose heart. even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day. for our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the things for which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. for the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal (2 corinthians 4:16-18).

ain't i a woman?

mom wanted to watch that people speak thing on the history channel. we tuned in just in time to hear this fine speech.

ain't i a woman?
by sojourner truth
delivered 1851 at the women's convention in akron, ohio

well, children, where there is so much racket there must be something out of kilter. i think that 'twixt the negroes of the south and the women at the north, all talking about rights, the white men will be in a fix pretty soon. but what's all this here talking about?

that man over there says that women need to be helped into carriages, and lifted over ditches, and to have the best place everywhere. nobody ever helps me into carriages, or over mud-puddles, or gives me any best place! and ain't i a woman? look at me! look at my arm! i have ploughed and planted, and gathered into barns, and no man could head me! and ain't i a woman? i could work as much and eat as much as a man - when i could get it - and bear the lash as well! and ain't i a woman? i have borne thirteen children, and seen most all sold off to slavery, and when i cried out with my mother's grief, none but jesus heard me! and ain't i a woman?

then they talk about this thing in the head; what's this they call it? [member of audience whispers intellect] that's it, honey. what's that got to do with women's rights or negroes' rights? if my cup won't hold but a pint, and yours holds a quart, wouldn't you be mean not to let me have my little half measure full?

then that little man in black there, he says women can't have as much rights as men, cause christ wasn't a woman! where did your christ come from? where did your christ come from? from god and a woman! man had nothing to do with him.
if the first woman god ever made was strong enough to turn the world upside down all alone, these women together ought to be able to turn it back , and get it right side up again! and now they is asking to do it, the men better let them.

obliged to you for hearing me, and now old sojourner ain't got nothing more to say.

(i feel compelled to mention that my diatribe earlier about how a person shouldn't be elected just because she's a woman, there's a part of me that's concerned i might sound like a hypocrite, saying that and digging this, but it's because of this that i can say that.)

hiking in hay

this was a good afternoon. this was me hiking up a fairly steep hill to get to this spot on the way to hay's bluff which is near the town of hay-on-wye in wales. this was me traipsing about in a field covered in sheep shit to get to this spot. those little brown specks you see near the bottom? yeah, that. this was me in the chilly, windy, welsh afternoon underneath a fabulous sky overlooking a fabulous countryside.

the first picture gets bigger if you click on it. the second one doesn't. sorry for that.

that scene in the 2005 version of pride and prejudice during which elizabeth bennett is standing on the cliff reveling in the warmth and the wind, this was my version of that moment.

yeah, i know. i'm not on a cliff. i did mention the hill was steep, right? i was almost there, and i could've gone on, but i had to pee. i wasn't sure if i went on that i would make it back without certain events transpiring.

the help and the hindrance

the benefit of carrying around all this baggage is that sometimes i find things inside that i'd neglected to notice i'd packed for the journey.

today, i woke up at ten, shoved the ugly memories of yesterday's unpleasantness aside, texted my stylist to see what time my pedicure appointment was, texted my trainer to see if could come in today for a refresher course which i badly need (he didn't reply, and i'm thinking it's because i stood him up a couple of weeks ago), snuggled back in bed and watched an episode of law and order: special victims unit, played on the computer, got my pedicure, got lunch, filled the prescriptions for the sinus infection diagnosed last thursday.

spent an hour and a half at my younger brother's house. my nephew's walking. short journeys. you park the boy on his feet near your knees and he runs headlong into your chest with his arms outstretched. we're working on balance and control.

my niece is still perfectly content to crawl.

most of the time when i'm in my younger brother's presence, i feel small. spinsterly. here's my baby brother, gainfully employed, making twice as much money as i do, well-respected by his coworkers and management team, residing in his own home, happily married with two beautiful babies and a close, comfortable circle of friends who enjoy his company. he is thriving. he is the epitome of this. to top it all off, he's as intelligent as i am, but he's also emotionally and socially stable.

he has everything i wanted for myself. and i constantly feel as though i'm a disappointment to him. he used to be proud of me. he used to marvel at my strength.

i was driving home from his place to have dinner with my mother when i had another epiphany.

a decade or so ago, in my last year of college and the year or two that followed, my older brother was living in houston. my parents would travel a lot more because their children had become adults and they trusted us to fend for ourselves.

on top of all the baggage i carry, i'm phobic of several things. one of them, typically, is being home alone. if i'm lucky enough to sleep at night, it's with all the lights in the house burning. my older brother had some idea of this fear i had, though he couldn't understand it.

he had this uncanny knack for showing up at my parents' house almost immediately after their departure. i came to dread this because bad things happened every time he would show. he also had an uncanny knack for disappearing immediately before their arrival.

i used to think he did this because he wanted his own home, but couldn't afford it, so he borrowed my parents' in their absence.

today, as i was driving home, it occurred to me that maybe he had that uncanny knack because he didn't want me to be home alone.

when i spoke of this to my mother, when i mentioned how irritated he was with me and my reaction when bad things happened at the house, that i'd thought of his visits as more of a hindrance and made my opinion obvious to him, she thought maybe his irritation was because he'd failed to help, to support me.

and i see now how he might've felt as though he was a disappointment to me.

i used to be proud of him. i used to marvel at his strength.

i can't fix that. but it's nice to think that maybe he'd meant well.

this week's wisdom

we are hard pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed--always carrying about in the body the dying of the lord jesus, that the life of jesus also may be manifested in our body (2 corinthians 4:8-10).

last night i dreamt that stupid boy from earlier this year and i were still talking, still friends. i didn't remember it right away when i woke. i've had dreams like this before. not about stupid boy, but about other people i'd like to call friends who weren't actually friends. some of them are people i've known since i was ten. some of them have looked me in the eyes and said they loved me. yeah, i can see that you do. one of the dreams upset me so much upon remembering it that i curled up in my bed, on my side and cried. i'd been up for five minutes, max.

dreams like this leave me feeling hungover.

my inability to be punctual is supremely close to getting me unemployed, as if i can afford that. okay. fine. i am supremely close to getting me unemployed.

my fat ass is supremely close to weighing a hundred-fifty pounds, which i know doesn't sound so bad, except my scrawny, tissue-filled bones and screwed-up ligaments can't handle that weight very well.

i am alone and lonely.

and angry. i'm angry today. and most of this anger is directed toward myself.

i think of all the others out there whose lives are far more challenging than mine. i've friends who are in severe physical pain. i've friends who are dying. i've friends who have family members who are dying. there are children out there who don't believe in the goodness of christmas. there are children out there who don't believe they'll get a warm meal. there are children out there who are being beaten or worse. babies. there are...

this doesn't make me feel any better. it only makes me angrier, actually. angry because then i tell myself i've no right to feel the way i do.

here is where i close my eyes and take a deep breath.

let me love...